December 1984

12-7-84

          From the moment I walked into Fu Jen and Helena told me in the hallway that my mother [had called her from Brooklyn about my daughter who was recently ill] and wanted me to call her back; our home phone was having a problem and she couldn’t get through.

          Those two huffy American educated Taiwanese teachers grate on my nerves. I wish I did not have to deal with them. We agree to do something and then they disconnect and do it slightly different. My position in the good Sister’s mind gives them their leeway. They made the midterm exam without me, though I agreed to it [after the fact.] I have nothing to say. It is a little more than just the way they do it. I did something I never did before and I will never do again; I made up test grades randomly on the test I had no part in. I put off [fudging the grades] two times and then faked it not wanting to struggle with it any longer. My protection is the marginal second half of the midterm exam I gave in class; I pray it never comes up but that would be my flimsy defense.

 I am inclined to believe I like the Sister less than she likes me. All my classes this week were successful but then even before Helena I was successful in most classes. Today I tried to a film test of little skits in sophomore class. After setting up the camera for twenty minutes as the class practiced their skits so time would not be wasted, the camera would not record. I returned it after class and met Helena in the language lab. She, doubtful of me as she has become, asked if I knew how to work the camera and after I told her that I did, she said I did not know how to use it. Both Mr. Nash and Mr. Epstein had the same failure with the camera. I see now what Helena has become to my life. I can stay away from her more. My classes have nothing to do with her. It was my bad luck to meet her twice today.

We had a wild time in 102 at JJELS over what I called ‘the most beautiful foreigner in Taiwan’; a British red-headed colleague. It was comically embarrassing and no harm done. I know that I teach my best when I let my heart out. I wish I had the same rapport with the girls at Fu Jen who were appeased by my public criticism session; the rapport has changed. Once they stop complaining and do their work I will like them better and we will get along.

12-17-84

          I am getting mentally prepared for what promises to be a boring party out our condo this Saturday; Mr. Nash and his wife, Mr. Berkowitz and girlfriend, Kim the Russian music teacher, Sister Rosa, Sister Helena, and maybe four others will come. I do not think anyone wants Helena to come but that is the way it must be. My wife has been pushing me to send Sister Helena a Christmas card because she is my boss but she has not even wished me a happy Hanukkah.

12-26-18

          I am now at a meeting of the English department at Fu Jen. It is boring, of course. I can practice smiling. I am going to keep on writing to get to the next empty page pages so Epstein and Nash will not see what I am writing. The lunch was free and not bad for that reason. I would rather be home now in bed keeping warm; it is cold out again. I do not feel comfortable being here but I did not the first time, before it all started.

1.     The freshmen want to rearrange to get to know each other better. Conversation-composition is what Sister Helena has in mind. A meeting goer and teacher rep is looking hard to find. Joyce has been volunteered.

2.     Should we encourage students to tour England? A teacher needs to go and must pay his own airfare. If it were free, I still might not go; it is a stupid idea. Let them have their daddies send them.

3.     Put up good writing on the bulletin board. Helena spoke with students; she does always speak with students. The students are picky and jealous in addition to being spoiled.

4.     A meeting of coordinated writing teachers for the start of the next semester. Nash stands up for teachers. Helena wants conversation and composition to be more interrelated with other courses, exchanges of syllabus, interaction meetings.

We are all dead here; the ‘head’ is the reason. It is like a murder on the orient express. We all have reasons. The man, Mr. Brother, feels much warmer. We listen more earnestly. People are looking to our department; a workshop for English language teachers in the summer, people from general English. Books are underused. We are not supposed to talk about reading. It is a shame that the students are not given more rope; pampering is the main tampering. We move to word processing. I obviously do not have an interest in the word processor or I would have been there by now. Nash is sticking his neck out. “Call it a learning activity; not a game.” I am sure that must have struck a chord with [Helena]. Mr. Berkowitz holds my sentiment of computers; the best point. Let’s go; electric courses for next semester, impact and efficiency. The disadvantages? Price. All full-time are supposed to take the initiative. That means me!

12-28-84

          The situation at Fu Jen is hopeless. Helena is too straight to change. Fu Jen’s English department has some good, talented teachers but it all does not come together because of the coldness Helena emits. I believe she thinks I am the poorest teacher there. I know I am good. Her not being able to recognize talent will not, however, be her downfall; that occurred when she became a nun. To find fulfillment with my talents, I must go somewhere else. Unless a miracle occurs, I will not want to be at Fu Jen as soon as I can go elsewhere. God is moving me. Everything must be this way. God helps those who help themselves. I must help myself.

12-29-84

          I considered going to a New Year Party for Fu Jen alumnus at the Foreign Affairs Club on Zhong-Shan North Road but when two juniors spotted me [with my two-year-old daughter] at Caves [book store] I had little choice; I went willingly. Almost all the female students were there. The show they put on wouldn’t have finished fourth place in a [Brooklyn] New Utrecht High School ‘Sing.’  It was fitting for Helena to kick things off. Mr. Lee was the only teacher there when I walked in. He wore a dark blue suit, looked the best he could, is nice, but reminds me of a gerbil. Not soon after, Mr. Berkowitz and [his girlfriend] Ellen were escorted in by Helena. Berk had come to meet an alumnus from last year’s end-term party to be connected with an art dealership. Berk wants to help Ellen make contacts; she is an artist. I have yet to see her works. Almost an hour after I arrived, Mr. Epstein, with the light of Jesus in his eyes, arrived with his three Aryan children, hands folded in laps, something out of a Jerry Falwall revival show. I cannot help but feel he is putting on an act the way he carries himself. If he were not so stupid, life at Fu Jen would not be the same. He is the kind [of Jew] Helena would like. She cannot see clearly through people and he is as phony as a round crucifix.  I left at three o’clock after an hour to teach at Guo Ding.

          This will be the last entry of 1984. It was a good year; far better than 1983. The goodness of ’84 started at 4600 Ninth Avenue [in Brooklyn]. The apartment was nice and close enough to Montauk [Junior High School where I had taught]. It continued well when we came to live in Taipei. We own a better-than-I-could-have-imagined condo and I like my new positions at JJELS and Fu Jen, despite Helena. In 1985, I will have to reckon with her; she is obviously picking on me. There is a very small chance I would want to be invited to a second year at Fu Jen; this is the specter of ’85. If, by the will of God, Helena sees the light about what I contribute, I would be delighted not to have to take all my teaching materials out from my office there.  It makes me sad to think that I will, but there is always the Language Center to welcome me and other schools a call or letter away. In 1985, I will more seriously consider starting or taking over my own English language school.